Like wording it differently would have made any difference to Rachel. He wrote back to Leigh, telling her that he was excited to see her and to let him know when she was getting close. He was being honest, he wasexcited to see her, the fighting and stress and angst was more than worth it, and he’d been looking forward to this visit for weeks. He missed her, she’d been one of his closest friends for a long time, but recently they’d grown apart. Part of it had been the distance, the two of them having moved to different cities after college, both working long hours. But he knew that was only part of it, and he suspected Leigh did, too. Leigh was beautiful, a fact that Rachel had reminded him of repeatedly for the last two weeks. But she’d been beautiful as long as he’d known her, but nothing had happened between them. Rachel hadn’t really believed that, but even when she accepted it, she pointed out that wasn’t for lack of desire. It had been a mistake to admit that to her, he knew,. It was that feeling of a dark, heavy presence pushing your consciousness down into a deep recess of your soul that made you want to jump out of your skin, slam your foot on the accelerator, and crash into the bus that was turning into the intersection.Then there was the surreal experience of watching yourself bleed to death as the paramedics and fire fighters tried to extract your mangled body from the crushed wreckage of your car. You didn't understand how you could stay so calm and freak out at the same time. You reasoned that you were in a state of shock and imaging the whole situation. It helped to pretend, but you'll never forget seeing the torn flesh, the broken bones, the blood.And then there was the bizarre journey to the hospital, sitting in the back of the ambulance on the gurney, trying to console yourself, feeling frustrated that you couldn't even hold your own hand, how everything just went through you when you tried to touch it. That was hard: trying not to freak out,.
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