The emergence of the Internet in my youth opened my eyes. I obviouslywasn't the only one with such feelings. The dark corners of the netwere brimming with men that liked to dress as women, even live as women.There weren't really any proper role models for someone like me, though.It seemed that most were either transsexuals, attracted to men only, orliving lives of secret desperation, hiding their proclivities assomething to be ashamed of. I fell into the last camp, I suppose. Iboth loved who I was, who I wanted to be, but was also afraid of beingrejected by society. Unfortunately, I really didn't encounter anyoneonline like who I dreamt of being. A woman with a penis proudly livinga successful life in mainstream society without fear of discovery, notrelegated to the margins of society, having to earn a living inpornography, escorting, cosmetology or such. I certainly didn't lookdown on those who followed those paths, but it just wasn't me. Startingout, I wasn't sexually. It’s not about dying, it really isn’t. It can be a cry for help but for most it’s to help cope with emotional pain. It’s a completely stupid way to cope; I’ll be the first to admit that. But I will also admit that it worked unfortunately. Like any other addiction, soon your normal ‘fix’ isn’t enough. You have to cut more or sometimes find something else to hurt yourself with to feel the same effects. It’s completely fucked up. I’m lucky in that I didn’t actually get that far. I did stop before it got too serious. I mean, I am aware that hurting yourself in the first place regardless of how or where you do it is a serious issue but I stopped before it got completely unbearable or too difficult to stop it. Supposedly one in four people will at some stage in their lives use self-harm as a coping mechanism. You would think that would make someone feel a little less isolated but it’s funny, I’ve never felt so alone in my life that when I was cutting. It’s a very strange thing.
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